Parents can also transmit this message: “Don’t think what you think, think what I think”, by saying things such as: “Why do you keep thinking about such small things? You’d better think about what I’m saying”,
“Don’t contradict me”.
Thus, the child decides:
“I always make mistakes”,
“I can’t think by myself”,
“I can never concentrate”,
“I’m not good at math”,
“I’ll never open my mouth before finding out what others think”.
The people who received this directive in their childhood often feel that they don’t have any thoughts, and they have headaches when they need to solve a problem, which hinders the thought process or makes it downright impossible. They have a sense of distrust toward the results of their intellectual effort and often commit thoughtless actions, after which they don’t understand why they did it: “How could I do such a thing?”.
11. Don’t feel. This injunction is often transmitted by parents unwittingly and without even realizing: “Stop crying”, “Big boys don’t cry”, “How can you be afraid of the dog? It won’t bite, you know”, “Stop shivering, you’re a man now”, “Take it. Learn not to show your suffering”.
The message can also be: “Don’t feel what you’re feeling, feel what I’m feeling”, “I’m cold, so you have to put on a sweater”, “You don’t hate your younger brother, you’re just tired”.
The child understands that it’s wrong to express his emotions and that he’s not allowed to feel them. So he puts up a barrier in front of the emotions and stops feeling. People who prohibit themselves to express physical emotions frequently suffer from psychosomatic illnesses. And those who repress their emotions face many emotional problems which manifest especially in relationships.
12. Don’t trust. This injunction is transmitted to the child when the parent says: “Don’t trust anybody, the world is bad”, “Everybody wants to fool you”, “Trust only me/us (parent/parents)”.
Hearing such remarks, the child concludes that the world is a dangerous place and that you’re not allowed to trust anybody. In adulthood, this injunction manifests itself through a permanent suspicion that everybody wants to betray him. He has difficulties in any emotional and sexual relationships. Sometimes, he assumes the role of the “victim” who is always cheated on and abandoned by the representatives of the opposite sex. Trying to compensate for the distrust in the world, this person will strive to have as much control as he can.
The most difficult thing about injunctions is the fact that they’re unconsciously transmitted by parents. Of course, if you’d tell a mother that she’s transmitting her child the “Don’t exist” message, which makes him want to disappear, she’d contradict you with every fiber of her being.
In addition, once an injunction has been transmitted and perceived by the child, it unconsciously determines his actions and reactions. At his level, they can be discovered by therapists and can be changed at any time.
But it’s up to us, as parents, to do everything we can to not send such messages that can program our children to do reckless things, get in accidents and even become ill or develop psychosomatic reactions.
And for this information to really help you, you can do the following thing. Reread the list of the 12 injunctions and observe 2 things:
1. The injunctions that have been transmitted to you by your parents (you’ll quickly recognize the pattern)
2. The injunctions and hidden messages that you tend to send to your child/children.
Since you now know how dangerous these messages are, you can notice when the tendency to transmit them appears and eliminate them from the communication with your child/children
Write in a comment what you’ve noticed.